What was it like dying?
As the cancer seared
through your body
Did you still find time to smile?
As your lungs became
the battle ground
Between healthy and mutated cells
Did life still have
meaning?
"Radiation,
turned my skin red
My beautiful hair, my source of pride,
Finally came out,
falling onto my pillow
As if my body itself were weeping
Your aunt came over
that day
Shaving my head, removing my crown
After
all, it was time for wigs
Oh, but I had a smile
on my face
when you got off the bus that day
My new crown of glory
resting on my head
An unexpected
surprised that
wasn’t unexpected, after all
There were five of
you, three of blood, two of love,
my beacons of life
You were only newly
ripped from the womb,
But in so little time,
you learned the lesson
of death
One that I taught you
But my life had
meaning, how could it not?
I had all I wanted in life.
After all, I had you.
It just wasn’t enough to live for
Dying wasn’t so bad,
once you got past the grief
My body, it ached. Walking became difficult
How could I fight it
any longer? My brain turned to mush
Fleeting memories of better times,
And my body…oh how
heavy it felt
Even after losing my breast
I still felt heavy, as
if my bones turned to stone
But we had fun, despite the war
Raging inside of me.
Your grandmother,
She would stand beside me, inappropriately grabbing my breast
The one that was no
longer there
But we all laughed. It was funny, it was naughty
And if we couldn’t
poke fun at my situation
I’d be dying in a different way
For two years I
fought, and then I was cleared
I wasn’t dying anymore.
The cells were gone
and it was time to recover
Time to move on
I made jokes, talking
about how my new breasts
Would be bigger than yours
But it wasn’t in my
cards. Not for me
And not for you
My cancer came back
Or it never did leave
This time though, it
perforated my lungs
My liver, my brain
I would have been on
chemo for life
And radiation for sure
A red, shell of a
person is what I would have been
But I didn’t have it in me, not anymore
The battle became too
fierce
I withered away before your eyes
A rose fighting for
life in the warmth of Summer
While their insides turned to ice
I wish I could say I
had a glorious end
One filled with trumpets and singers
A real menagerie, but
it wasn’t
It was in the living room
Surrounded by my
family, but confined to my bed
Where I found out what it truly was like
To finally be dying
It was where you found out
What it felt like to
die”
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