Interviewing My Mother

What was it like dying?

As the cancer seared through your body

            Did you still find time to smile?

As your lungs became the battle ground

            Between healthy and mutated cells

Did life still have meaning?

Radiation turned my skin red

My beautiful hair, my source of pride,

Finally came out, falling onto my pillow

As if my body itself was weeping

Your aunt came over and shaved my head

                        It was time for wigs

But I had a smile on my face

when you got off the bus that day,

An unexpected surprised that

wasn’t unexpected, after all

There were five of you, three of blood, two of love,

my beacons of life

You were only newly ripped from the womb,

But in so little time, you learned the lesson of death

            One I taught you

But my life had meaning, how could it not?

I had all I wanted in life.

After all, I had you.

            It just wasn’t enough to live for

Dying wasn’t so bad, once you got past the grief

            My body, it ached. Walking became difficult

How could I fight it any longer? My brain turned to mush

            Fleeting memories of better times,

And my body…oh how heavy it felt

            Even after losing my breast

It still felt heavy, as if my bones turned to stone

            But we had fun, despite the war

Raging inside of me. Your grandmother,

            She would stand beside me, inappropriately grabbing my breast

The one that was no longer there

But we all laughed. It was funny, it was naughty

And if we couldn’t poke fun at my situation

I’d be dying in a different way

For two years I fought, and then I was cleared

            I wasn’t dying anymore.

The cells were gone and it was time to recover

            Time to move on

I made jokes, talking about how my new breasts

            Would be bigger than yours

But it wasn’t in my cards. My cancer came back

            Or it never did leave

Only this time it perforated my lungs

            My liver, my brain

I would have been on chemo for life

            And radiation for sure

A red, shell of a person is what I would have been

            But I didn’t have it in me, not anymore

The battle became to fierce

            I withered away before your eyes

A rose fighting for life in the warmth of Summer

            With their insides turned to ice

I wish I could say I had a glorious end

            One filled with trumpets and singers

A real menagerie, but it wasn’t

            It was in the living room

Surrounded by my family, but confined to my bed

            Where I found out what it truly was like

To finally be dying

            It was where you found out

What it felt like to die